Update

So I sort of forgot to blog for about 5 months.

I started this blog in 2018 because I needed a relatively healthy outlet for my feelings and at the time the relationships that I had didn't feel like the right place for my feelings. (which is something to unpack probably) I also think a lot of my feelings are being expressed through Dungeons & Dragons now, which is great and has meant that I don't feel the need to write about them.

I'm also in a transitional period in my life in a lot of ways. I think I'm hesitant to put content on the Internet now in a way that I wasn't when I started blogging. I say hesitant, I mean that in the sense that there are so many thoughts and presences online and it can be overwhelming; and I'm already quite a lot as a person, so my presence — physical, online, what have you — can be overwhelming as well; and I worry sometimes that the me I'm portraying online is more real than the me who lives in my body, and I don't want that to be the case. So I'm (maybe) being more intentional about the kinds of online interaction I'm participating in.

I don't know — I just want to leave the bits of the world that I'm in better than they were when I found them. I want to love recklessly and make myself into someone who has the resources to help others when they need it. I want to look after my responsibilities without being so worried about them that I forget to live.

I don't know if I'm going to start blogging again. If I do, it probably won't be regular.

For over ten years I thought I was going to be a professional cellist. And now I'm not. It's weird — life is weird — I'm starting a degree in musicology in two weeks. I don't know what my life will be, and I like that. There's a lot to be stressed about. I still have depression. But the single expectation I have from myself during this degree is that I will learn, because I know I'll do that regardless; and the details will come. I'm happy.